healthy family

The One Phrase that Upsets this Grieving Parent

 

me beckett beach square

I am a mother who has lost a child.

I am reminded of this every day.

I don’t say that to get sympathy. I am simply stating a fact.

I know some of you reading this know what I am talking about first hand. You have lost an unborn child, an infant, a toddler, a teenager, or an adult child. No matter the age, if you have lost a child you don’t forget that. Others reading this thankfully do not have personal knowledge, but you can imagine that you would never forget losing a child.

Sometimes I remember my sweet Beckett when one of my other kids mentions him. Sometimes I remember him when I see another child around his age and think of what he would be doing now.   Yesterday I found one of his big green pacifiers under our bed.

We have photos around our home and multiple boxes full of memories. Remembering Beckett is special. It’s something I WANT to do.

A year and a half into this life, I know people are still nervous about saying the wrong thing around me. I don’t want people to walk on eggshells around me. I like remembering my son. I don’t mind if you, or your child, brings him up in a conversation.

Obviously, every grieving parent is different. But as for me, I’m not easily upset or offended. People around me say things without thinking and it normally doesn’t bother me. They can talk about their kids annoying them, and I don’t secretly shame them and think, ‘They should be thankful they have kids’. Listen, my kids annoy me sometimes too. It’s life. It’s not perfect, we aren’t perfect. I’m okay with that.

But there is one popular phrase that I just can’t stay silent about any longer.

It’s something I see on memes, t-shirts and coffee mugs. I hear it in conversations around me. It’s become the funny catch phrase of mom’s everywhere. It comes in many forms, but the punch line is usually:

“I kept the kids alive today, go me!”

or

“Goal: Keep the tiny humans alive”

google and pinterest search
If you are unfamiliar with this phrase, do a quick Google or Pinterest search and you’ll see it.

 

I get it. There is this whole mommy war/mom guilt culture going on where moms feel pressure to perform and live a Pinterest life. These memes are trying to put the pressure to be perfect to the side and focus on what’s really important in parenting.

But let me tell you, from my angle—these are painful.

The biggest thing I struggle with in my grief is a sense of failure. My job as a mom is to protect my child. And my child died. I know in my head that his death was not because of something I did or did not do. It was not my fault. I know that. But I still struggle with the nagging feeling of failure.

I have hesitated to write this post for so long because I do not want sympathy. (I’ll take prayer any day!), and I do not want to shame really good moms who I have seen jokingly use this phrase.

My aim is simply to make you think twice and make you think deeper.

I mentioned a sense of failure I feel. Failure is directly related to what we believe the goal is. If your goal really is just to keep your kids alive, then share the meme, buy the coffee mug—go all out. But when I look deep inside, that’s not my goal. And I’m willing to bet it’s not really your goal either.

Brian and I have a mutual goal in parenting, and it’s this:

We want our kids to experience a great love.

First, we pray they know the overwhelming love that comes from our Great God.

Then we pray they are secure in an unconditional love from their family, no matter the circumstances around them.

We also want them to display a love for other people and to love and enjoy the beauty of the world around them.

parenting goal

When your goal is for your child to experience love, you can accomplish this no matter how short their life is.

And if you show this love to your children, don’t be ashamed of it and don’t minimize it! In aiming to not shame other moms, I fear that we have gone too far to the other extreme. We are almost afraid to share the really good moments in life because we are afraid of sugar coating our life, or coming across like we have it all together. Let me put your mind at ease: nobody thinks you are perfect all the time. (And if they do, that’s on them—not on you!)

If you think I am perfect all the time, come live in my house for a day. It might not take that long, come visit for a few hours. In that time you will see me lose my patience, you may see me staring at my phone instead of the Lego creation my kid just made. You may find them sitting in front of the TV instead of a book.   You may see me eat a piece of chocolate instead of a carrot!

But you will also see me hug and love my kids. You might see me get down on their level and listen to a story they want to share about their day. You could see me work for an hour on a really healthy meal that will nourish my family. And you would be invited to sit with us around the table as we engage in real, meaningful conversation. And I’m not embarrassed about any of this. Because the truth is, you might be inspired to do the same in your own home!

I hope no one ever feels shame or embarrassment that they don’t measure up to the Wright family. Goodness, we should not be a ruler for anyone! But I do pray that our lives point to a God who gives us strength to live an intentional life full of His love.

Sweet struggling mom, I don’t want to call you out, I want to call you up.

I want to challenge you to pray and set some goals for your family that go a little further than just staying alive. Yes this life is hard. There are seasons of survival. I have been there. We have walked through that time. But that is not the season I want to live in forever. And it’s a season you don’t have to live in forever. There is hope. There are glimpses of really good even in the middle of bad. Open your eyes, sweet friend, and give yourself some credit when you see it.

Let’s start now and let’s start here. Comment below and tell me a parenting moment you are proud of or something in life you have succeeded in recently. Don’t do this to show the world how perfect you are, do it to encourage the rest of us.

Let’s be people that inspire each other!

—Rebekah

Healthy Body

How I Set Balanced Weight Loss Goals

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I have officially been back on the healthy train for two months now. And in those two months I have lost exactly 20 pounds.  I have done this largely as a result of following a Whole30 lifestyle.

However, Whole30 is not really concerned with weight loss. In fact, if you follow the rules, you should not weigh yourself at all while participating in Whole30.  So I packed away my scale the first time I completed a Whole30 and I think it was the best thing I could have done.

Numbers on a scale do not define success.

But numbers get people’s attention. Numbers get my attention. I will say over and over again that a number does not tell the whole story, but it does contribute to the story.

That 20 pounds that is off of my body, that’s 20 pounds that my joints had to carry around every step I took. That’s 20 pounds that was eating up my energy and the resources I was putting into my body to fuel it. That’s 20 pounds that I no longer have to account for in my daily life. That’s a big deal!

So how do we come to a healthy balance of knowing the scale isn’t everything and knowing that it does mean something?

For me, a lot of it comes down to goal setting. If all of my health goals are based on numbers going down on a scale, then yes, I will be super concerned with those numbers and base my view of success around them. But if we can expand our goals, I think we start to achieve balance.

How do I set healthy goals?

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1) I define my “why”

Why do I want to lose weight?

I want to have energy to live my life. I want to work throughout the day without a 3 o’clock pit of despair (my totally non-dramatic way of describing what usually happens to me mid-day). I want to have energy to play with my kids when they get home from school. I want the energy to cook a healthy meal for my family. I want to be able to keep my eyes open to enjoy my husband after the kids are tucked in at night.

I want ALL DAY energy!

I want to feel comfortable in my clothes. I’m not talking about wearing a specific size, just to feel like I can move and sit and live life in comfort.

I want to fit into small seats. This became a big motivator for me on one of our flights a year ago. As I buckled the seatbelt around me, I realized I was dangerously close to not making the “click”. Around the same time we started our first Whole30, we also booked a dream vacation for our family the next year that would require me to be able to fit into rides and buckle safety belts. That vacation is still four months away and continues to be a big motivator for me.

I wanted to heal some health problems I was experiencing that I was pretty certain were linked to my diet. I made a list of all the things that felt slightly off—or even way off! Many of these issues have cleared up at this point, and that’s great! But I keep a running list of things that may or may not be related to what I put into my body.

And most importantly, I want to gain a healthy perspective on my body. As a Christian, I believe this body that I live in is important. I believe God created it in His image. I believe Christ died for it. I believe the Holy Spirit indwells it. I believe my physical body is important to God. And I believe that I can take care of this body as an act of worship to Him.

Looking at this list, I have quite a few “whys”.

Maybe you have one big one. Maybe you have more than me. But have you ever sat down and actually written them out? Can I encourage you to do that right now? Open a note on your phone or grab a pen and a piece of paper.

Actually take the time to physically define why you want to lose weight or get healthy.

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Take the time to write out your reasons

2) I set measurable “non-scale” goals

These goals relate directly to my reasons I set out for wanting to be healthy.

My Why: I want to work throughout the day without a 3 o’clock pit of despair.

The Goal: Eliminate my afternoon cup of coffee.

While I cannot physically measure my energy levels, I can know weather I got to the end of the day without multiple cups of caffeine. (This is a goal I’m still working on by the way.)

My Why: I want the energy to cook a healthy meal for my family.

The Goal: Cook 5 meals at home this week.

This is measurable. It gives me some room to have left overs a few nights or go out if it’s just one of those days, But it sets the goal to eat at home which usually means healthier meals. Right now I probably cook six meals a week on average. It’s something that I actually enjoy and try to make a priority.

My Why: I want to feel comfortable in my clothes.

The Goal: Be able to easily button my jeans the first time I wear them after washing.

You know what I’m talking about here. There’s that false sense of excitement you get when you think your jeans are getting too big and then you wash them and suddenly “they shrunk in the dryer”. Yeah, it happens to all of us.

My Why: I want to gain a healthy perspective on my body.

The Goal: Memorize scripture that relates to this area.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 is a great place to start:

Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

Write verses on notecards and tape them around your house, screenshot verses and make them your phone background. Do what you need to do to keep this journey in an eternal focus.

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I won’t go through all my goals, but I think the picture is clear:  Turn your vague “whys” into measurable goals that don’t mention numbers or require stepping on a scale.

3) I don’t tie my scale goals to a calendar date

I wanted to lay all that out first, but I also want to be honest that I do set scale related goals for myself as well. But I don’t link those goals with a certain time frame.

For example I don’t say, I want to lose 50 pounds by summer. I can control what I put into my body and how much I move my body, but I cannot control how quickly my body responds to that. So if I say I want to lose 10 pounds a month and I only lose 8, that’s failure. And losing 8 pounds should never be considered failure!

So instead I usually write out my weight descending 10 pounds every line.

For example, if your starting weight was 200 pounds, you would write:

200 —
190 —
180 —
170 —
etc.

And then I come up with a reward for each milestone.

This reward is not linked to seasons or clothes. So I don’t say I’ll buy myself a pair of flip-flops when I lose 20 pounds, because I might reach that in December. I don’t say I will buy myself new jeans when I lose 30 pounds because I might need new ones when I lose 15 and they still fit the same after I’ve lost 30. The number on your scale does not equal your body composition and does not predict the areas you will lose weight in.

Don’t set yourself up for disappointment.

Some rewards I have set in the past include: a manicure/pedicure, new book, sunglasses, massage, or a new piercing. They could build up to something big like a weekend away. I think it’s important to think of these rewards ahead of time and have them in mind.

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When rewarding yourself, a scary/fun selfie is a must!

I set my rewards at ten pounds because I have a larger number I want to lose. (Also my rewards usually cost money, and I need time to save up that money in between rewards.) But if you have a smaller amount you want to lose, set your rewards every five pounds or every two pounds. Or reward yourself every week that you stick to your healthy eating plan weather you lose weight or not.

Just please don’t reward yourself with junk food. That makes no sense.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I found myself at one point deep in grief and heavy in weight gain. Since that point about a year ago, I have lost almost 50 pounds. That’s incredible! But it has actually been such a long year of back and forth, that I did not even realize that until I just looked back at my notes from when I first started and wrote out my goals and rewards.

Again I will say, write these things down.

You think you will never forget how you feel or that number on the scale right now. But you will. When you start changing your habits, you start creating a new normal, your body starts feeling different, and you forget that it used to hurt to move that way. Your scale gets stuck at a new weight and you forget that it used to be stuck much higher than that.

Nothing is as encouraging and motivating as remembering how far you have already come.

april before and after

And if you haven’t even started yet, let me encourage you with how far I have come. I haven’t arrived where I want to be yet, but that’s okay—it’s not a race, it’s a journey.  It’s not about weight, it’s about health.  It’s not just about physical health, it’s about total health. And I’m committed to continue on this journey. Even if it’s a year before I lose another 20 pounds, that’s okay.

The scale doesn’t tell the whole story.

Subscribe at the bottom of this blog to continue on this journey with me, and then tell me your ‘why’ in the comments below. I’d love to hear it and gain some encouragement from you as well.

— Rebekah

Uncategorized

Reflections of a 30 Year-Old

30 goal setting photo

Today I turn 30.

I am not real big about age.  But I am real big about goals.

This is what I am realizing right now: I am big about ‘right now’ goals. I make a to-do list almost every day. Each year I make goals for that year.  I have a big goal to get to Wales ASAP. But there was never a point in my teens or 20s when I sat down and said, “By the time I’m 30 I hope to…”

How do I know if my life has been successful up to 30 if I don’t have a list to check off? This is a hard question for a list girl. I am reading an awesome book right now and I just read a chapter about setting life goals. So I did. I made a list of 30 life goals. It gets me all excited to pray for and strive to attain these goals. But before I opened that book today, I spent some time in a more important Book defining what success should look like in my life. This is what I came up with:

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tight to what is good. Romans 12:9

I don’t want to be fake. I really dislike fake. I want genuine in my life. I want a genuine love for others. I also want a genuine love for what is GOOD. Along those same lines, I am praying this:

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.  Galatians 5:13

I don’t want to be selfish. I really dislike selfish. I love freedom in Christ, but my desire is to serve others in love. My prayer is that God shows me what this looks like in my life.

Do everything without complaining and arguing.  Philippians 2:14

I don’t want to complain. I really dislike complaining. This is one of the first verses I taught my daughter. I have her repeat it to me almost daily. In reality, it is one I should repeat to God daily.

Okay, enough with what I dislike, here is what I love:

These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children.  Titus 2:4

I realize I am currently an “older woman” and a “younger woman”. Discipleship and training are big on my heart. I am in no way an expert on loving my family, but I pray God both teaches me and uses me to teach.

You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. “for God loves a person who gives cheerfully.”  2 Corinthians 9:7

This year I am finding a new love in giving. One of the goals on my list is for my family to one day give more than we keep. How is this possible? I have no idea, but I love finding joy in giving. I get excited just thinking of what God has in store to teach me in this area.

I could share so many more areas of life I see God pointing at as I look through goal setting from scripture, but this is the one that sums up my cry to God this morning:

And may the Lord our God show us his approval and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful!  Psalms 90:7

Today I made a list of 30 life-time goals. My prayer over those 30 goals is that God makes my efforts successful. But my prayer over my life is that God shows me His approval.
Bring on the next 30 years…

 

Rebekah